January 9, 2011

[sugarandice]

[Private]

I had no idea how hard it was going to be. When I kissed him on Solstice, I wasn't thinking beyond that moment, and whether he would kiss me back or push me away. When we curled up together in the morning to sleep, I wasn't thinking of anything but that day, if I was capable of thinking at all at that point. I was half convinced that I would wake up in the morning to find that it had all just been a dream.

But it wasn't a dream, except in a way it was. For a little more than a week, it was just us. We didn't have to think about what anyone else would think about it. Then everyone else came back, and it was like being tossed back into reality without knowing you hadn't been in it all along.

During winter break, we just got to be Peter and Colwyn. Now, with the dorm full again, it's Peter Watson, Dorm Parent , and Colwyn DiNeve, Student. He's only a little over a year older than me. He turned eighteen over the summer and I turned seventeen in September. Last year, when he was a seventeen-year-old senior and I was a sixteen-year-old junior, it wouldn't have mattered if we were together. But now a line has been drawn, and if anyone knows we're crossing it, he would be in serious trouble.

It's been a week, and I haven't been able to hug him, kiss him... I've barely spoken to him. We're both busy, and I understand that. But then I think about wanting to knock on his door and realize that if I do that too often, people will start to ask questions, and that can't happen.

I don't regret it. I want to be with him. I just really didn't know how hard it would be.